Prepare yourself...

Weight: 292
Blood Sugar: 122
Breakfast: sausage biscuit and orange juice
Lunch: -
Dinner: Spaghetti with 1 slice garlic toast
Exercise:

I never imagined that going through this process, again, would be so emotional. Maybe I'm hormonal -- its getting to be that time again -- but Ive managed to get myself pretty worked up about the whole ordeal.

I talked to my doctors office yesterday. Surgery will be on March 26. They might take my gall bladder out at the same time. I figured family and friends would be happy, but instead theyre all worried. My best friend has a family member that died after having the gastric bypass. My mom hears stories "all the time" about where things go wrong, or people dont follow their diet strictly and it scares them.

All the conditions were right last evening for the "perfect storm" of emotions. I googled "gastric surgery complications" and stumbled on a type of memorial page created by the family members of people who have died from having the surgery. Page after page of heart-wrenching testemonials about how the surgery wrecked their families and killed their loved ones.

Now, I know going into this, that theres a 1 in 1000 chance of the surgery being fatal. That number is in line with ALL surgeries requiring anesthesia, and at this point, I've been put under four times and never had a complication with it (other than waking up angry and mean). Stastically, Im in a fairly healthy category for my condition, but last night my imagination ran wild, and I woke my husband up to talk for an hour.

Actually, he talked. I just sobbed like a blubbering idiot.

The facts are that my lap band is out of place. One way or the other, I AM having surgery on the 26th. The band either has to be removed or repositioned. That means I'm already having to have surgery, and I'm already going to be under anesthesia. I could have the band put back in place and try it again, or take it out all together and try the diet and exercise routine again, which has failed miserably for me all my life. Or, I can just bite the bullet and let them do the bypass, commit to the life change its going to entail, and go with it 100%.

I failed with the lap band. I didn't exercise like I should have, and I know at least here lately I havent eaten as well as I should, either. I have really no one to blame but myself. The name of the game is "willpower". Am I strong enough to make it work this time?

The brutal truth is, I dont know, and I'm scared of failing again. I'm also scared of feeling fat and ugly for the rest of my life. I'm scared of the complete life change. Nothing will ever be the same anymore. I'm going to be restricted to babyfood for the rest of my life...and jello, which I hate.

But, thats not true. I *know* people who have had the bypass and they live relatively normal lives. They have more energy. They work out. They drink diet soda. They have smart dietary choices and are happy.

So, after sobbing to my husband for a half hour, he got my bypass bible (handbook they gave me at the pre-op class) and we went through it. There are still desserts, good ones, I can have. Theres a whole book of dessert - like protene shakes. There are recipes for sugar free cheese cake and smoothies... For when you want a taste of something sweet, theres room to have some. And even though it says "limit fried foods", I wont die if I have a couple of fried shrip occasionally. I can still have a rare treat.

Once he convinced me that Im smarter and stronger than this dietary change, I calmed down. He kept saying that the decision to do the bypass here is mine, but he did a lot to reassure me that he has faith in the surgeon that he'll do an excellent job to minimize complications there, and is fully willing to support me in getting this surgery. I needed his backup. I know I keep saying it, but that man deserves a medal of honor for all the crap he has to go through with me...

Can I give up my slothly ways in order to embrace the rest of my life as a healthy, happy person? The answer is "Yes, of course I can", but old habits will be hard to break.