Weight: 285
Blood Sugar: 93
Breakfast: Atkins Advantage - Strawberry
Dinner: Spaghettios
Its approximately 12 hours until I have to be at the hospital. I'm scared. I've been distracted all weekend by friends and gaming. It has been a pleasant weekend, but now, as the sun has set, I find that my old life ends tonight...and my new life begins tomorrow.
As...inspiring as the phrase sounds, it really captures the frame of mind I am in. Im paranoid. Im scared, still, that something bad will happen. Im sure all the worries will be all for nothing...but...its hard not to worry. Its hard to tell myself it'll all be okay when I'm eaten up with panic inside. I'll keep praying though. Its all I can do.
I should have gone to church today. Maybe it would make me feel better about all this.
Despite my state of unbridled panic about the surgery, I have proceeded with preparations as I was required to do. Part of it consisted of a mostly liquid diet today, followed by a huge frosted mug of lemon lime flavored magnesium citrate. It is a "very powerful laxitive" that is "flavored best when cold". The stuff tasted terrible, but I chugged it down like I was supposed to.
But, for my last meal...my Last Supper... I chose a most luxurious meal, and savored every bite...I dont know when I can eat it again, if evor. I enjoyed one last bowl of...
Spaghettios.
Tomorrow it'll be jello, pudding and broths. But tonight, it was spaghettios, with meat balls.
There is a skinny girl inside me, dying to get out. Thus ends my former life.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
Set backs
Weight: 289
Blood Sugar: 111
Breakfast: Atkins Advantage Protein drink - Strawberry
Lunch: Atkins Advantage Protein drink - Chocolate
Dinner
I feel like shit right now. I've been getting all excited about having my surgery. The hospital called this morning to pre-register me for the procedure, an as we were about to finish the registration, the lady said she needed to check one thing and put me on hold. When she came back, she told me that I owe a bill for almost $3600, and that the amount needed to be paid before the procedure could be taken care of.
WTF? I've been making payments on the old amount, and the new amount is from my recent medical issues regarding the slipped band. The lady was very rude and pushy on the phone, and now I have no idea what to do. Theres no way in hell I can come up with $3600 by Monday, so looks like I'm going back to work tomorrow and will have tolearn to live with all the nausea, pain and vomiting until I can scrape up the cash.
Goddamned medical bills. Imma go hide and cry now.
Blood Sugar: 111
Breakfast: Atkins Advantage Protein drink - Strawberry
Lunch: Atkins Advantage Protein drink - Chocolate
Dinner
I feel like shit right now. I've been getting all excited about having my surgery. The hospital called this morning to pre-register me for the procedure, an as we were about to finish the registration, the lady said she needed to check one thing and put me on hold. When she came back, she told me that I owe a bill for almost $3600, and that the amount needed to be paid before the procedure could be taken care of.
WTF? I've been making payments on the old amount, and the new amount is from my recent medical issues regarding the slipped band. The lady was very rude and pushy on the phone, and now I have no idea what to do. Theres no way in hell I can come up with $3600 by Monday, so looks like I'm going back to work tomorrow and will have tolearn to live with all the nausea, pain and vomiting until I can scrape up the cash.
Goddamned medical bills. Imma go hide and cry now.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Stash.com is the best thing ever
Weight: 289.7
Blood Sugar: 118
Breakfast:
Lunch: Pepper pork chops, noodles and dill carrots
Dinner: Pizza >.< (But damn it was good!)
Okay, so I have recently found the best website ever for tea lovers. In the process of cleaning my computer room, I found a catalog for a loose leaf tea company. They sell small single serving sample bags of all their loose teas. So, my husband and I bought several small samples and have been sipping tea for the last week. Holy tea leaves, Batman, but this stuff is GOOD!
There have been a few hits and misses though. Personally, the Earl Grey and Double Bergamot Earl Grey (bergamot being the oil that gives the tea that fruit loop smell / flavor) have been awesome. The chai spice and darjeeling are also great. THe gunpowder green LOOKED pretty as it bloomed...and tasted like (gr)ass. The white Im drinking now is subtle and soothing.
So, now that we're almost out of samples, it's time to buy full sized tins. The teas should make having to be on a liquid diet a little more palatable...
Blood Sugar: 118
Breakfast:
Lunch: Pepper pork chops, noodles and dill carrots
Dinner: Pizza >.< (But damn it was good!)
Okay, so I have recently found the best website ever for tea lovers. In the process of cleaning my computer room, I found a catalog for a loose leaf tea company. They sell small single serving sample bags of all their loose teas. So, my husband and I bought several small samples and have been sipping tea for the last week. Holy tea leaves, Batman, but this stuff is GOOD!
There have been a few hits and misses though. Personally, the Earl Grey and Double Bergamot Earl Grey (bergamot being the oil that gives the tea that fruit loop smell / flavor) have been awesome. The chai spice and darjeeling are also great. THe gunpowder green LOOKED pretty as it bloomed...and tasted like (gr)ass. The white Im drinking now is subtle and soothing.
So, now that we're almost out of samples, it's time to buy full sized tins. The teas should make having to be on a liquid diet a little more palatable...
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Rescheduled
Weight: 290
Blood Sugar: 116
Breakfast: Yogurt
Lunch:
Dinner:
So I went to the doctor on Friday morning, and the surgery has been postponed to 3/30. The operating room schedule was full, so my surgery got bumped back a few days. Im anxious to get this done and get back to work, honestly.
The good news is that I don't have to have my gall bladder taken out after all, which will speed up recovery time. The surgeon also wants me to try to lose as much weight in the next week as possible. Of course, I should be trying to lose weight as much as possible anyway, but the idea is that when you first lose weight, it drops from your liver first, and that makes the liver easier to work around.
The bad news is...I have to wait another week. Suck, but...soon. I'm still excited about having it done, not as scared as I was. I know this will be a huge life change for me. I'm kinda nervous about what my new me will look like though. Hopefully I'll slim down significantly before Leta's wedding in August, and I want to be smokin hot next summer if we get to go on some kind of 5-year anneversary vacation. Financially, we probably wont be able to afford it, but hey, a girl can dream, right?
And right now, I'm dreaming of gap jeans and sandy beaches...
Blood Sugar: 116
Breakfast: Yogurt
Lunch:
Dinner:
So I went to the doctor on Friday morning, and the surgery has been postponed to 3/30. The operating room schedule was full, so my surgery got bumped back a few days. Im anxious to get this done and get back to work, honestly.
The good news is that I don't have to have my gall bladder taken out after all, which will speed up recovery time. The surgeon also wants me to try to lose as much weight in the next week as possible. Of course, I should be trying to lose weight as much as possible anyway, but the idea is that when you first lose weight, it drops from your liver first, and that makes the liver easier to work around.
The bad news is...I have to wait another week. Suck, but...soon. I'm still excited about having it done, not as scared as I was. I know this will be a huge life change for me. I'm kinda nervous about what my new me will look like though. Hopefully I'll slim down significantly before Leta's wedding in August, and I want to be smokin hot next summer if we get to go on some kind of 5-year anneversary vacation. Financially, we probably wont be able to afford it, but hey, a girl can dream, right?
And right now, I'm dreaming of gap jeans and sandy beaches...
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Getting closer...
Weight: 290
Sugar: 117
Breakfast:
Lunch:
Dinner:
I am filled with anxiousness and excitement. I cant wait for the nausea and vomiting to be over, and I'm excited about having the surgery, even though I'm scared of what my "new life" will be like.
Im not going to the gym today. Both vehicles are unreliable right now and I dont want to get stranded there. But, I also need to prepare the house for visitors. Both my parents and my inlaws are coming in for the surgery. I think my inlaws are planning to stay with me a little while after the surgery to make sure I'm healing alright. I'm not keen on having a houseful of people when I feel so godawful miserable, but its probably for the best. Safety first, right?
Sugar: 117
Breakfast:
Lunch:
Dinner:
I am filled with anxiousness and excitement. I cant wait for the nausea and vomiting to be over, and I'm excited about having the surgery, even though I'm scared of what my "new life" will be like.
Im not going to the gym today. Both vehicles are unreliable right now and I dont want to get stranded there. But, I also need to prepare the house for visitors. Both my parents and my inlaws are coming in for the surgery. I think my inlaws are planning to stay with me a little while after the surgery to make sure I'm healing alright. I'm not keen on having a houseful of people when I feel so godawful miserable, but its probably for the best. Safety first, right?
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Prepare yourself...
Weight: 292
Blood Sugar: 122
Breakfast: sausage biscuit and orange juice
Lunch: -
Dinner: Spaghetti with 1 slice garlic toast
Exercise:
I never imagined that going through this process, again, would be so emotional. Maybe I'm hormonal -- its getting to be that time again -- but Ive managed to get myself pretty worked up about the whole ordeal.
I talked to my doctors office yesterday. Surgery will be on March 26. They might take my gall bladder out at the same time. I figured family and friends would be happy, but instead theyre all worried. My best friend has a family member that died after having the gastric bypass. My mom hears stories "all the time" about where things go wrong, or people dont follow their diet strictly and it scares them.
All the conditions were right last evening for the "perfect storm" of emotions. I googled "gastric surgery complications" and stumbled on a type of memorial page created by the family members of people who have died from having the surgery. Page after page of heart-wrenching testemonials about how the surgery wrecked their families and killed their loved ones.
Now, I know going into this, that theres a 1 in 1000 chance of the surgery being fatal. That number is in line with ALL surgeries requiring anesthesia, and at this point, I've been put under four times and never had a complication with it (other than waking up angry and mean). Stastically, Im in a fairly healthy category for my condition, but last night my imagination ran wild, and I woke my husband up to talk for an hour.
Actually, he talked. I just sobbed like a blubbering idiot.
The facts are that my lap band is out of place. One way or the other, I AM having surgery on the 26th. The band either has to be removed or repositioned. That means I'm already having to have surgery, and I'm already going to be under anesthesia. I could have the band put back in place and try it again, or take it out all together and try the diet and exercise routine again, which has failed miserably for me all my life. Or, I can just bite the bullet and let them do the bypass, commit to the life change its going to entail, and go with it 100%.
I failed with the lap band. I didn't exercise like I should have, and I know at least here lately I havent eaten as well as I should, either. I have really no one to blame but myself. The name of the game is "willpower". Am I strong enough to make it work this time?
The brutal truth is, I dont know, and I'm scared of failing again. I'm also scared of feeling fat and ugly for the rest of my life. I'm scared of the complete life change. Nothing will ever be the same anymore. I'm going to be restricted to babyfood for the rest of my life...and jello, which I hate.
But, thats not true. I *know* people who have had the bypass and they live relatively normal lives. They have more energy. They work out. They drink diet soda. They have smart dietary choices and are happy.
So, after sobbing to my husband for a half hour, he got my bypass bible (handbook they gave me at the pre-op class) and we went through it. There are still desserts, good ones, I can have. Theres a whole book of dessert - like protene shakes. There are recipes for sugar free cheese cake and smoothies... For when you want a taste of something sweet, theres room to have some. And even though it says "limit fried foods", I wont die if I have a couple of fried shrip occasionally. I can still have a rare treat.
Once he convinced me that Im smarter and stronger than this dietary change, I calmed down. He kept saying that the decision to do the bypass here is mine, but he did a lot to reassure me that he has faith in the surgeon that he'll do an excellent job to minimize complications there, and is fully willing to support me in getting this surgery. I needed his backup. I know I keep saying it, but that man deserves a medal of honor for all the crap he has to go through with me...
Can I give up my slothly ways in order to embrace the rest of my life as a healthy, happy person? The answer is "Yes, of course I can", but old habits will be hard to break.
Blood Sugar: 122
Breakfast: sausage biscuit and orange juice
Lunch: -
Dinner: Spaghetti with 1 slice garlic toast
Exercise:
I never imagined that going through this process, again, would be so emotional. Maybe I'm hormonal -- its getting to be that time again -- but Ive managed to get myself pretty worked up about the whole ordeal.
I talked to my doctors office yesterday. Surgery will be on March 26. They might take my gall bladder out at the same time. I figured family and friends would be happy, but instead theyre all worried. My best friend has a family member that died after having the gastric bypass. My mom hears stories "all the time" about where things go wrong, or people dont follow their diet strictly and it scares them.
All the conditions were right last evening for the "perfect storm" of emotions. I googled "gastric surgery complications" and stumbled on a type of memorial page created by the family members of people who have died from having the surgery. Page after page of heart-wrenching testemonials about how the surgery wrecked their families and killed their loved ones.
Now, I know going into this, that theres a 1 in 1000 chance of the surgery being fatal. That number is in line with ALL surgeries requiring anesthesia, and at this point, I've been put under four times and never had a complication with it (other than waking up angry and mean). Stastically, Im in a fairly healthy category for my condition, but last night my imagination ran wild, and I woke my husband up to talk for an hour.
Actually, he talked. I just sobbed like a blubbering idiot.
The facts are that my lap band is out of place. One way or the other, I AM having surgery on the 26th. The band either has to be removed or repositioned. That means I'm already having to have surgery, and I'm already going to be under anesthesia. I could have the band put back in place and try it again, or take it out all together and try the diet and exercise routine again, which has failed miserably for me all my life. Or, I can just bite the bullet and let them do the bypass, commit to the life change its going to entail, and go with it 100%.
I failed with the lap band. I didn't exercise like I should have, and I know at least here lately I havent eaten as well as I should, either. I have really no one to blame but myself. The name of the game is "willpower". Am I strong enough to make it work this time?
The brutal truth is, I dont know, and I'm scared of failing again. I'm also scared of feeling fat and ugly for the rest of my life. I'm scared of the complete life change. Nothing will ever be the same anymore. I'm going to be restricted to babyfood for the rest of my life...and jello, which I hate.
But, thats not true. I *know* people who have had the bypass and they live relatively normal lives. They have more energy. They work out. They drink diet soda. They have smart dietary choices and are happy.
So, after sobbing to my husband for a half hour, he got my bypass bible (handbook they gave me at the pre-op class) and we went through it. There are still desserts, good ones, I can have. Theres a whole book of dessert - like protene shakes. There are recipes for sugar free cheese cake and smoothies... For when you want a taste of something sweet, theres room to have some. And even though it says "limit fried foods", I wont die if I have a couple of fried shrip occasionally. I can still have a rare treat.
Once he convinced me that Im smarter and stronger than this dietary change, I calmed down. He kept saying that the decision to do the bypass here is mine, but he did a lot to reassure me that he has faith in the surgeon that he'll do an excellent job to minimize complications there, and is fully willing to support me in getting this surgery. I needed his backup. I know I keep saying it, but that man deserves a medal of honor for all the crap he has to go through with me...
Can I give up my slothly ways in order to embrace the rest of my life as a healthy, happy person? The answer is "Yes, of course I can", but old habits will be hard to break.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Trippy nightmares, or "Why you should never do drugs, legal or otherwise"
So I've been dealing with siezures for a month now. Two of the medicines Im on (in very large doses) are also used to treat other neurological conditions such as Parkinson's and fibromyalgia. We still aren't sure if I have either of those...but sometimes the side effects of the drug in question are worse than the illness itself, and then it makes you wonder if its worth taking it to start with.
One of my medications has listed side effect of "reported psychotic episodes" and "vivid hallucinations or nightmares". Now, I'll make no bones about it, I'm a certified wuss with an already overactive imagination. Throw in a drug that enhances that imagination, and I'm dreaming up stuff out of the twilight zone.
Today I was napping and had a rediculously scary dream. Now that I'm awake and thinking about it, there really wasn't anything scary about it. But, when you're locked in a dream you can't wake from and you are sobbing into your pillow...it sucks.
I dreamed that basically I was being abandoned by everyone. My best friend stole my dog and wouldnt give her back. My husband was tired of dealing with my siezures and sent me home to live with my parents. My brother left to go on this camping expedition with 50 other people, including one of his ex-girlfriends, his best friend and his girlfriend. (Yeah right, now I KNOW I'm dreaming. My brother, camping? Hahahahahahahaha!! Only if he brought a mini-fridge, a satellite internet connection and a portible air conditioner =p ). My parents then got tired of me having siezures, so they packed me up and sent me to live with my grandparents.
Now, I must interject a disclaimer here, especially incase Grandma is reading ^_~ There is NOTHING wrong with grandma's house, except when its 500+ miles from home and you're already feeling abandoned. It also had none of the "cozyness" associated with grandma's house. I was a stranger in a strange town where it was always night time and everyone was drunk all the time.
When mom finally comes to visit me, in my dream, she's come to bring me news that she and dad have had a divorce and that he doesn't want to see me again. She also brings me a bag full of nostalgic items from my childhood, like my well loved VHS tapes of the Little Mermaid and Aladdin, and tells me that she wants no reminders of me around. Before she leaves, she chastises me for "taking the easy way out" and "not fighting to make my marriage work". Strange coming from someone who just told me she got divorced, but hey, this is a dream and it doesnt make any sense.
The dream proceeded as such where everyone told me they were sick of me and my siezures and didn't want me around. So, I ran away in despair, sobbing that everyone I loved was gone and I was alone.
So then I woke up, my heart hammering in my chest, my pillow absolutely drenched from my crying in my sleep. Sobbing I call my mom on the phone. Shes at a pool hall, shooting pool with my dad. My brother is still on his computer...as is my husband...and my dog is staring at me from the other side of my drenched pillow staring at me like Im retarded. Then she yawns, stretches and goes back to sleep.
The dream itself wasn't scary, but it took me 15 minutes and a counter-dose of Valium to settle my nerves. This isn't the first bad dream I've had...the other was something straight from Star Trek. I hope I build a resistance to the dreams soon, or my meds get changed. Its horrible to feel like no one loves you and cant stand to be around you. Both things I know aren't true, but when you're only half awake and you've been living in a dream world for a few hours, it takes some time to wake up to truth and reality.
So listen kids, drugs are bad, mmkay?
One of my medications has listed side effect of "reported psychotic episodes" and "vivid hallucinations or nightmares". Now, I'll make no bones about it, I'm a certified wuss with an already overactive imagination. Throw in a drug that enhances that imagination, and I'm dreaming up stuff out of the twilight zone.
Today I was napping and had a rediculously scary dream. Now that I'm awake and thinking about it, there really wasn't anything scary about it. But, when you're locked in a dream you can't wake from and you are sobbing into your pillow...it sucks.
I dreamed that basically I was being abandoned by everyone. My best friend stole my dog and wouldnt give her back. My husband was tired of dealing with my siezures and sent me home to live with my parents. My brother left to go on this camping expedition with 50 other people, including one of his ex-girlfriends, his best friend and his girlfriend. (Yeah right, now I KNOW I'm dreaming. My brother, camping? Hahahahahahahaha!! Only if he brought a mini-fridge, a satellite internet connection and a portible air conditioner =p ). My parents then got tired of me having siezures, so they packed me up and sent me to live with my grandparents.
Now, I must interject a disclaimer here, especially incase Grandma is reading ^_~ There is NOTHING wrong with grandma's house, except when its 500+ miles from home and you're already feeling abandoned. It also had none of the "cozyness" associated with grandma's house. I was a stranger in a strange town where it was always night time and everyone was drunk all the time.
When mom finally comes to visit me, in my dream, she's come to bring me news that she and dad have had a divorce and that he doesn't want to see me again. She also brings me a bag full of nostalgic items from my childhood, like my well loved VHS tapes of the Little Mermaid and Aladdin, and tells me that she wants no reminders of me around. Before she leaves, she chastises me for "taking the easy way out" and "not fighting to make my marriage work". Strange coming from someone who just told me she got divorced, but hey, this is a dream and it doesnt make any sense.
The dream proceeded as such where everyone told me they were sick of me and my siezures and didn't want me around. So, I ran away in despair, sobbing that everyone I loved was gone and I was alone.
So then I woke up, my heart hammering in my chest, my pillow absolutely drenched from my crying in my sleep. Sobbing I call my mom on the phone. Shes at a pool hall, shooting pool with my dad. My brother is still on his computer...as is my husband...and my dog is staring at me from the other side of my drenched pillow staring at me like Im retarded. Then she yawns, stretches and goes back to sleep.
The dream itself wasn't scary, but it took me 15 minutes and a counter-dose of Valium to settle my nerves. This isn't the first bad dream I've had...the other was something straight from Star Trek. I hope I build a resistance to the dreams soon, or my meds get changed. Its horrible to feel like no one loves you and cant stand to be around you. Both things I know aren't true, but when you're only half awake and you've been living in a dream world for a few hours, it takes some time to wake up to truth and reality.
So listen kids, drugs are bad, mmkay?
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